Dog Fence Beach, South Australia, Australia
September 2023
855 Words
Dear Crossfit Laguna,
My Australian adventure is well underway and I am having a blast embracing all of the new experiences life is throwing my way. I have found a job working on the Dingo Fence out on the Nullarbor Plain (obviously I have no need nor legal status to be paid but some positively top blokes I met at the pub offered me the experience of coming out and seeing their way of life firsthand) and I have been at the camp for two full swings now and let me tell you is it something! I have many stories to share when I return but for now I would like to present to you the workout I came up with based on what I’ve been doing out here. I have scraped these challenges from the bowels of late-stage capitalism and slightly modified them to be done in a controlled and directed environment like our gym in order to blow off steam after a long day at the office. Let there be no doubts about this workout building some real-deal strength and toughness normally earned only by committing your life to working the hardest jobs there are.
Official Zmir Jones South Australian Fencing Crossfit Workout:
5000 sledgehammer tire swings
6km barbell farmer carries (~50kg, and yes barbell, although a hex bar will suffice)
5 minute static pull-up bar hang (aggregate, obviously, as even 1 minute consecutively is nearly impossible)
To be done for time, and must be progressed through linearly like a true Murph (you cannot jump between exercises without finishing them, e.g. 10 swings, 400m farmer carry, 3 second hang ad infinitum). Yes, overcoming the monotony is the most difficult part and yes, your forearms are the target muscle group. I recommend two pairs of gloves. You probably won’t get carpal tunnel unless you do this for a week straight.
If you would like to increase the authenticity then I recommend you upgrade to the South Australian Fencing Footy Crossfit Workout:
5km run + Fencing Workout
(AFL players are known to occasionally run upwards of 15kms during a game but I recognize the practicality of time constraints in the corporate world we live in (and they are not fencing after their games) but if you do a 5k before this workout you will have an idea of what your legs feel like starting a 10-hour day of fencing after some footy, which is a very popular sport here for reasons that were alien to me until I found myself very excited to run around and hit some people after a long week of fencing, although I was regretting it come the start of the next week once I comprehended my soreness, and began the cycle anew once the working week ended again).
And if you are a world-class masochist and, despite utter mental and physical exhaustion, are still yearning to squeeze even a drop of meaning from the world outside of the work/sport tradition of post-colonial societies, then you want the complete Zmir Jones Australian Surfing Footy Fencing Crossfit Experience:
2km swim + footy + fencing
I have no idea what a reasonable finishing time is for any of this. Again, we work 10-hour shifts for 7 days/ fortnight but this is meant to be condensed to simulate a workday in a normal(ish) workout time. The pace you’re shooting for is one where you grit your teeth until your jaw swells and your head rings a bit. If you do that then you’re going fast enough.
Here are some other elements you can incorporate for added authenticity. I’ve calibrated time bonuses based on difficulty:
-5 minutes from total time if done without music
-10 if done without speaking
-15 if done 100+km from another living human who is not also doing the workout
-5 if flies
-10 if dust in your teeth
-30 if you see a shark on your swim
-35 if said shark is bigger than 16 feet long
-40 if 10km run completed without shoes (some of the Aboriginal players don’t wear shoes for footy, maybe a sock on their kicking foot)
-5 for every beer drank the night before (average at camp hovers around 10)
The more of these you add the more you will feel like you’re actually here working, and if you get them all then you might as well be here, which feels like being so tired that when you finish work you want to do nothing but eat pre-cooked meals and stare at your phone and certainly don’t want to be bothered to think up any way to un-trap yourself from this mess or solve any other problems you may have in your life, so thank goodness I bought my ticket home before I got here because who knows what I’d do if I was like these guys and had nowhere else to go. If you reach that point then you have truly completed the workout and I have only one piece of advice: try not to scream.
Cheers and see you all soon!
-Coach Z